“‘Hurry up,’ I shout at Dinah, whilst on the overhead telly Ray Mears’ Survival is playing extraordinarily loudly because Charlie sat on the volume button of the remote. The kids writhe about in the V05 shampoo they just spilt, laughing as the last of their clean clothes bite the dust, and I’m thinking: ‘Survive driving round England with two under 4s, staying at a different hotel each night and visiting four or five attractions a day and sometimes a restaurant in the evening. Sleep all in the same room, go to bed at 7 p.m. after having had no evening to yourself, wake up at 7 a.m. and do it all again the next day with the prospect of another 140 nights of the same – then come and tell me about survival in your khaki ****ing shorts, Ray.’”
Makes a change from the car; Ben and his Children in Aldeburgh
Yes, 8000 miles around Britain, in 5 months, with 2 young children, and with their lives crammed into a modest hatchback, Ben Hatch and his wife Dinah set off with the aim of writing a guide book of Britain’s family attractions. Their method may have been extreme but the result is not only said guide book, but ‘Are We Nearly There Yet’; a laugh out loud memoir of their funniest, strangest, freakiest, saddest and happiest moments during their travels. We’re very pleased to have been able to interview Ben and bring you this glimpse into his world during those long 5 months:
For some of us, a two hour dash up the motorway can be a fraught one with children on board, so tell us why you decided to pack your family in the car and begin your 5 month, 8000 mile journey.
We were writing a guidebook on family friendly attractions in Britain. Before setting off we had this idyllic sense that we’d sit about zoos all day long for five months sucking Rocket lollies with the kids, making the odd note on some baby-changing facilities. We imagined we’d visit all these great cultural museums, galleries and castles and the kids would grow up so implausibly well-rounded and educated one of them would probably end up as chairman of the Arts Council. We realised this wasn’t going to happen quite early on when our daughter wet herself in Ann Hathaway’s cottage and I lost the key to the roof-box containing our son Charlie’s nappy-changing stud which meant we had to change him on a bench in the rain using nothing but three KFC Lemonfresh wipes my wife found at the bottom of my her handbag from a Zinger burger she ate in about 1986
What was the funniest moment on the trip?
I think it was a moment in the Time museum and Coffee Shop in Bromyard. It was a museum based around some childhood toys these two brothers had assembled over the years. It contained their old action men, a few Thunderbird puppets and cut outs out of Dr Who characters’. There were all these hand-written notes saying enthusiastic things like: “Stingray was fantastic.” They also had what they described as a rare Sylvester McCoy pullover. We couldn’t get over the fact it was considered rare. Like there were other less rare Sylvester McCoy pullovers out there in other museums.
We’d gone off piste. It wasn’t on our itinerary this museum. Our phones didn’t work in the cellar it was based in. We were also the only ones there. We got quite giddy for some reason at the thought that actually the whole thing was an elaborate trap to bait us down there into cellar. We started to wonder if maybe the brothers were about to come down the stairs dressed as Cybermen. They might then torture us because we didn’t known some answers to questions about series 5 of Captain Scarlett and the Mysterons; they’d even up murdering us, and perhaps papier-maching over our bodies and turning them into life-size Blake Seven figures. We were crying with laughter when we came out. I don’t know why it was so funny.
Was there a point when you were ready to call it a day?
Lots. I think the day my daughter had a nature wee in a field of live ordnance in a military zone in Otterburn was one of those. There was a sign we only saw afterwards. This ordnance may explode and kill you. We were attacked by bats one night as well and I spent a night in Leeds hospital with a kidney stone that my wife misdiagnosed as trapped wind – that was another poor moment.
After clocking up 8000 miles in a car with two young children, what 3 pieces of advice do you have for parents taking long car journeys?
Firstly, take a sat-nav. Going on a long journey with kids without one is a bit like trying to round the Cape of Good hope in the 15th century without a nautical map. I’d sooner give up my brakes and drill a hole lint the floor of the car and use my feet to slow down than trade in our sat nav.
Secondly, always take treats. Travelling in a car with kids minus treats is like walking round a vampire-infested graveyard at night without a wooden cross. You might survive but why take the chance.
Thirdly, I’d make sure you have a good in car DVD player. Don’t buy the cheap sort we did. It cut out whenever my wife in the passenger seat scratched her leg, taking the film back to the beginning and meaning to this day despite watching it 12 times the kids are still unaware that Nemo was eventually reunited with his father.
We love to think that our travel experiences broaden our children’s horizons. Are your children still talking about it?
Nope. They never mention it. They’re too traumatised. All they remember about the trip, I think, is that along the way they had some nice Dora The Explorer chocolate biscuits
Haha. Bless ‘em! Well if you enjoyed this interview, you’ll love Ben’s book “Are we nearly there yet: A Family’s 8000 Miles Around Britain in a Vauxhall Astra”. You can find it in most good book stores, and at Amazon on
paperback or on
kindle for a current special price of 99p.
So, do you think you could have handled 8000 miles in a car with your kids? We’d love to read your thoughts, experiences and tips on car travel with children. So why not drop us a comment below and share them with us…
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Thanks for all the comments guys. I hope you enjoy the book if you get to it and good luck with your trip Emma x
You can follow me on twitter here @BenHatch and let me know what you thought.
I will be giving this one a read as well.
A Good fun read…. Just like the trip….?!
Absolutely brilliant!!!! Looks like a must read!!!
What a brave family!! Very funny, going to download kindle version, and read the whole thing. Getting to England is enough for me and that’s only 8 hours!!
hahaha, I found this really interesting as I am planning a 2000 mile road trip to Poland this summer with a 3 month old and a 3 year old. Glad to see it is survivable.
I have no doubt you’ll be well prepared Emma. I think as long as you have enough stops planned, I’m sure it’ll be great. You’ll be relieved not to have to load a 3 month olds gear into a suitcase for an aeroplane that’s for sure.
I’m assuming that you’ll be going from the UK – so if you want any tips on places to stop over, we can perhaps ask some of the babyabroaders for any hints. I have a few followers in Germany who may be able to help.
We’d love to hear about it once you’ve made it back!
Madness!! Although sounds like there are some good stories and for the sake of 99p I shall be downloading the kindle version to entertain me during the midnight feeds